White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
