Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize