i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
