Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
