I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
