when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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