im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize