I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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