So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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