I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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