My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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