You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
