you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I am spending my child support on dildos
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
