We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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