how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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