He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
