I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
