where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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