I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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