Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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