if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
