I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
