I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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