you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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