I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize