youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize