I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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