I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
