did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
