your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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