My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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