just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
