Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
