Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
