He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize