did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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