Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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