I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
