dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
