I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
