this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
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