take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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