How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Randomize
