I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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