You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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