Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Randomize
