I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
