Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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