Can Purell be used as lube?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
