why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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