I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
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