I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
