i need an iv and a liver transplant
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
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