I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
