Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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