last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
