If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
