some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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