Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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