Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Are my feet made of real feet?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
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