you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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