Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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