I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
