When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
